Notes to Grandchildren – January 31, 2021 (Changing Times)

Dear Grandchildren,

My grandfather seldom sought medical attention. He probably had to have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel before seeking a doctor’s help. I suspect my grandfather had come to see a strong positive relationship between visiting the doctor and death.

Frank and Lucy (Hennings) Funk

My father visited the doctor more frequently, but it was far from a regular occasion. Again, the condition had be severe before a doctor’s assistance was sought. The liberal application of Watkins salve was his prescription for cuts, scrapes, and slivers. Stomach problems were addressed with a concoction of vinegar, baking soda, and Watkins liniment. (This mixture frightened me since the Watkins liniment was clearly marked for external use only.) It was the more serious maladies that required a doctor’s assistance: bulging discs, severed fingers, a heart arrhythmia.

Clarence Funk

For the last 25 years, I’ve had a standing appointment with my physician for an annual physical. As my age increases, so do my medical visits. Those aches, pains, and concerns just keep coming. Knowledge brings peace of mind. Plus, small life adjustments today (change of diet, physical therapy, exercise) outweigh major life adjustments later (walkers, wheelchairs, injections).

Perhaps the family reflects the changing attitude about medicine. Today the view rests somewhere between trauma and prevention. Oh, we still rush to the doctor, Urgent Care, or the hospital when there’s trauma, but overall we tend to visit more often for prevention and peace of mind.

Personally, I have no recollection of mother ever visiting a dentist although she may have had false teeth for my entire life. I only recall my father visiting a dentist once to have his teeth removed and to be fitted for false teeth. I cannot recall a time when I didn’t visit the dentist at least twice a year. (Incidentally, because of some gum problems I now visit four times a year, but I still have my own teeth.)

The legal profession never got the message. Lawyers seem to be called upon only in moments of trauma: injury, crime, death, divorce, breach of contract. I can’t recall the number of clients whom I represented who showed up with their life in pieces and expected me to put it back together (and then complain about the cost). It ought not to be that way. Many legal problems could have been resolved with a little forethought and preparation. Fortunately options are beginning to exist to get legal advice at a reasonable cost before the trauma like LegalShield. Perhaps getting legal advice beforehand will forestall a larger legal expense later.

Throughout this course, peace of mind hasn’t been mentioned. It should be! Fear spreaders work vigorously. Each fear spreader tells of a new horror beyond our control. Old and new evils definitely await us. However, it doesn’t need to be that way.

Fear spreaders market externals: things beyond our control. The simple goal, although the fear spreaders will never admit it, is to take away our peace of mind, our tranquility, our choice.

Focus on what you can control. When you do, peace of mind returns and your mental health is enhanced.

Love,

Grandfather

P.S. Keep your family history in mind. People love to talk about exporting democracy as we have it today; yet, the democracy we have today reflects our evolution. My grandfather would believe I’m crazy to visit the physician as often as I do. Why would we expect people who have never experienced democracy to adopt exactly what we have today? The same goes for removing statues, changing the name on buildings, censoring publications. The yardstick isn’t today’s standards but rather at the time the statue was placed, the money donated, or the publication created.

Notes to Grandchildren – January 22, 2021 (Externals)

Dear Grandson,

Friday you got upset that the puppy had crewed on some project you were working on in the backyard. Were you making spears from sticks? I couldn’t understand that the project was, but your anger was most evident.

Momma told me that today you got upset at Walmart because they didn’t have a LEGO toy you wanted to buy. I heard there was quite a tantrum at Walmart.

Grandma is upset that the former president has made Mar-a-Lago in Florida his home after vacating the White House. Apparently some agreement existed that specified a term of residence at Mar-a-Lago for the former president which has already been greatly exceeded. Grandma does not reside in Mar-a-Lago nor does she have any interest in Florida.

Each of these instances reflects that people get concerned, worried, and upset about events beyond their control.

• Puppies crew on sticks.
• You have no control over Walmart’s inventory.
• The former president’s move to Mar-a-Lago has no impact on Grandma nor can she do anything about it.

Why do we allow events beyond our control to consume us? We can’t change them.

Focus instead on what’s within your control. You’ll have a better life.

Love,

Grandfather

Notes to Grandchildren – November 2, 2020 (Externals)

Dear Grandchildren,

We only control our thoughts, perceptions, and actions (reactions). Everything else lies outside of our control. They are external. By definition we cannot control those things. Why do we get so upset with externals?

Debi, a neighbor, asked if she could stop by on Halloween for Trick or Treat. I told her no. I shared my thoughts on All Hallow E’en, the Day of the Dead, Allhallowtide, and Samhain. Anyway, we were going to have a sleepover that evening. Now, Debi is upset because another neighbor, Sharon, stopped by and gave you candy. Sharon never asked; she just appeared. Sharon and Debi are externals; I have no control over their behavior.

You recently got upset while playing a game (Freeze Tag) at Scouts. Apparently two different sets of rules were in play. As we chatted, the important concept is to identify the rules beforehand in order to avoid confusion. The rules are external.

Your mother and father cannot play Monopoly. They grew up playing it differently and can’t agree on a common set of rules. As an external, the rules affect how the game is played.

When I was practicing law, sometimes I would be sent to attend a deposition (taking someone testimony under oath). Typically before the deposition begins an attorney will say, “Common stipulations regarding depositions?” I suspect that no one actually knows the common stipulations. The statement has been used so often that it has lost all meaning. If I were practicing law now and went to a deposition, I think I’d ask what are these common stipulations. After all they are external and will influence my thoughts, perceptions, and action (reactions).

You only have control over your thoughts, perceptions, and actions (reactions). Many conflicts occur people assume shared beliefs and values. Actually, we can’t.

Remember that you can’t control externals.

Love,

Grandfather

Notes to Grandchildren – August 4, 2020 (Fear or Emotions)

Dear Grandchildren,

What governs you?

• Do the opinions of others direct your actions?
• Do outside events set your course?
• Does religion call the tune?
• Do your feelings or emotions run your life?

The opinions of others, outside events, and religion lie outside of your reasoned choice.  These all exist beyond your thoughts, perceptions, and actions.  They are externals and lie beyond your control.

Feelings or emotions pose a different situation.  Feelings come from within.  Sigmund Freud would probably say that some feelings or emotions arise from our primitive self or from some conflict among the id, ego, and superego.

Some feelings or emotions are learned.  They exist.  They affect us.

Growing up, I kept to the background.  In part because my parents and their friends talked about things beyond my interest or understanding.  I still stay in the background.  I keep my own counsel.  I’m my own best friend.  I don’t mingle.  I’m afraid.

Weather — rainstorms, snow, ice, fog, tornadoes — used to terrify me.  Mother, because she was afraid of those things, taught me to be afraid also.

Use your reasoned choice.

Don’t let your feelings or emotions override your thoughts and perceptions.

For me life has improved dramatically since I’ve begun to focus on things wholly within my control — thoughts, perceptions, and actions.  I know that others get upset with me when I refuse to partake in games involving things totally outside my control.

“Never take counsel of your fears.”  This has been attributed to Andrew Jackson and George S. Patton.  I don’t know whether either of these men actually said it, but it’s good advice.

Love,

Grandfather